wakey wakey hands off snakey
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
