I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
