So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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