I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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