I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
