hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
