I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
