Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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