I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
