I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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