By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
