Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
