We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
