you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
