Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
