how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
