I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
