dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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