Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
