i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
3pm strippers are depressing
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
