My sheets look like a crime scene.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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