peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
