I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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