I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
