I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
