I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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