I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
