Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Someone shattered a urinal.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
