We won't sleep together?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
