I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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