I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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