Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
