Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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