I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
