I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
