When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
