Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
