my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
