I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
