I will die if light touches me.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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