either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
