oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
