I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
