I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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