i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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