I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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