Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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