Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
