You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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