Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
