I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
