hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
