Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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