i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
