my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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