i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
