ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Why are your pants in the freezer?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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