A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
